Fleeing an abusive relationship is hard, but being alone can feel more distressed. All your successfully married friends are still blissfully married, and here you are abruptly single. It’s a large adjustment. Even though you’ve won your first major battle by getting out of a dangerous situation, there’s often a sense of failure. There’s tremendous pressure to be a couple in this modern culture.
When I was single, the most critical part wasn’t loneliness. It was the comments from people who wanted to know when I was going “to hook up for real” and the advice from a relative that I am losing my youth alone. The worst judgment came after I’d broken up with Ron, who ruined my confidence, did not turn up when he promised he was going to, slapped me extremely hard my ears rang, and threw a wine glass on my face on Christmas eve. A friend told me that I could not last without him. “You think you’re fortunate, but you’d be much more comfortable with a boyfriend,” she explained.
This attitude persists even in 2020, which drives women to date toxic men and put up with outrageous behavior. It makes it intriguing to pick up the cell phone and ask a lousy fellow if he has plans Saturday night, rather than face the possibility of attending a dinner party populated with towering couples alone.
Maybe you’d like to reach out to someone new, but the thought of dating makes you agitated. You absolutely don’t want to end up with another abuser. Girls tend to attract the same kind of person repeatedly unless they take steps to do otherwise.
That was my tale, anyway. After seeing men who ranged from being abusive to emotionally cold, I decided that it was time to end dating anyone. I became my boyfriend. I began treating myself the way the most romantic man in the world would. The results were excellent.
You can have a fulfilling, healthy life even after an abusive relationship, too. But you have to do some work first. Here’s how to bounce back and find love again:
Believe that you are competent enough
If all your love relationships have been toxic, you may not believe that you are capable of having a healthy one. Maybe you don’t even know what a mutually supportive and happy relationship is. Pick your pen and a notebook as you are reading this, and pen down what you want in the love of your life. He can be honest, gentle, emotional, faithful, a feminist or so on). Pen down how you would feel in a relationship with such a guy ( content, excited, peaceful, joyous, etc.) Keep this list of qualities with you always and read and refresh them every week. Do this as you fade to sleep at night and before you put your feet on the floor in the morning. Your mind will go to work on bringing a man with these characteristics to you. It may seem like hocus-pocus, but it works.
Know that you are a lady yet to be discovered.
Make a list of your own features. Bring to mind every meaningful compliment you’ve ever received. Recognize that you earn a healthy relationship. Know that you are worthy of tenderness, respect, love, and whatever else was missing from–or erratic in– your older relationship. Many of us have been sadly raised to think it’s arrogant to dwell on our good qualities, but if you haven’t a touch of your own worth, you really can’t bring a man in your life who will give you the love you warrant. You must overwhelm your own feelings of incompetence before you date again, or you’re compelled to end up with your ex in a separate body.
Do all the stuffs you put off while you were with your ex.
Now is the right time to do all the kinds of stuff your ex held you back from, whether that means traveling to a museum or hogging at a particular restaurant. Maybe you’ve fantasized about vacationing in French Polynesia, but your ex insisted on a political conference every year. If you can afford plan a good holiday time and go for it– by yourself. After I chose to become my own best boyfriend, I took myself to Texas for four days. I booked a nice room in a B and B instead of a resort because I’m shy; the public breakfasts forced me to talk to others. As a result, I went sight-seeing with an adorable dancewear designer from Italy. I enjoyed three meals with a Londoner who’d sold her car business to travel around the world. When I returned back home, I had a completely new vision. I felt powerful, independent, and capable. Traveling by myself had a noticeable impact on my following relationships with fuys; I was no longer ready to take anything less than the most acceptable treatment from them.
Watching a movie by yourself.
One of the articles on this lovely platform, NYK Daily, where I write, “You’re not an adult until you’ve watched a movie by yourself.” After my last terrible relationship, I took myself to see “Joker.” Yes, a couple of less-enlightened rats did look at me pityingly, but I didn’t give a fuck. I walked out of the multiplex feeling great, even if the show was overrated. I started going on alone trips to the cinemas once every month before COVID lockdown, and it felt freeing. I didn’t have to negotiate with anybody about what movie to see, and I loved my own company. I began to think that I could do whatever I wanted.
Buy yourself flowers.
Once every few weeks, pick out a bouquet (need not be expensive) from the grocer. Stop telling yourself you just can’t afford it, that you should spend your money on something useful, and just buy it. Take it home and put it in one of those vases you have couching around. The flowers will comfort you every time you see them. They will make you feel soothed.
There’s nothing like a night out with the girls. If you managed to shut out your colleagues while you were with What’s-His-Name, you may have apologizing to do. So go to it, and promise them you will never to let a man get between you and your best friends again. Then, go out and have fun. Do it often! You earn it.